From Expectations to Agreements

Let’s dive into a topic that has the potential to revolutionize how we approach our relationships—whether they’re personal, professional, or even with ourselves. Due to expectations, we often become trapped in a cycle of frustration, resentment, and disappointment. But what if we were able to transition from holding onto expectations to establishing clear agreements instead? This shift can bring about significant changes in our lives, and today, I’ll explain how this transformation can take place.

Expectations can be tricky. We all have them. Whether it’s about how others should behave, how situations should unfold, or even how we should be, expectations can lead to disappointment, frustration, or resentment when unmet. But why do we hold onto our expectations so tightly? It is because they give us a false sense of control. When people act the way we expect or when situations unfold as we anticipate, the world feels predictable. We feel like we have control, and that brings us comfort.

A good indicator that we are caught up in expectations is when we think in terms of “shoulds” —believing that others “should” know what we want or how we feel without having to express them. This mindset can lead us to entrust our happiness or well-being to someone else. For example, in my work with couples, I have often witnessed one partner expecting the other to know how they feel or to fulfill all their needs without clear communication. When these unspoken expectations are not met, it leads to feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger, and resentment.

Expectations often come from a victim mindset, where we feel powerless, mistreated, or believe that life is unfair. Ironically, while we lean into expectations for a sense of control, we actually end up feeling powerless. Essentially, we are handing over our needs and well-being to others or circumstances beyond our control. This is where the concept of agreements comes in.

Agreements are fundamentally different from expectations. They are straightforward, conscious commitments made with ourselves and others, and they are the key to creating relationships based on trust, mutual respect, and true understanding. When we shift to an ownership mindset, we recognize our power to shape our relationships and experiences. We take charge of our own happiness by setting clear and conscious agreements.

An ownership mindset requires us to be honest and open in our communication and to take full responsibility for our needs. When we make an agreement, we’re not assuming that the other person should know what we want—we’re explicitly communicating it. For example, instead of expecting a partner to be a mind reader, we might say, “When I’m feeling upset, I need to talk about it. Can we agree that when I feel this way, I’ll let you know, and we can agree on a time to discuss it? Does this work for you?” This kind of agreement provides clear communication on both sides, creating a sense of partnership and mutual respect.

The concept of an ownership mindset isn’t just about making agreements with others—it’s also about making agreements with yourself. We often hold ourselves to impossible standards, expecting ourselves always to be strong, never to make mistakes, to get everything done on our endless lists, and to be constantly available to others. These self-imposed expectations can lead to burnout, anxiety, or feelings of inadequacy. Instead, we can make agreements with ourselves to be kind, to allow ourselves to make mistakes, and to prioritize self-care. These agreements are acts of self-compassion and self-empowerment, allowing us to set boundaries with ourselves and others, leading to a healthier, more balanced life.

How do we shift from expectations to agreements and move from a victim mindset to an ownership mindset? The first step is becoming aware of your expectations for yourself and others. Self-awareness and introspection are crucial. Take the time to reflect on your expectations. Write them down, and ask yourself if they are realistic, fair, or even spoken. What are your “shoulds”? Recognizing these expectations is the first step toward letting them go.

Next, communicate openly. Once you have identified your expectations, express them as requests rather than unspoken assumptions. Have honest conversations about your feelings, needs, and desires with those around you. This can be challenging, especially if you’re used to keeping your feelings to yourself. But remember, communication is the key to creating agreements. You might say, “I’ve realized that I expect you to do X, and I know I haven’t communicated it clearly. Can we talk about it and come to an agreement that works for both of us?”

When you approach these conversations with an ownership mindset, you take responsibility for your feelings and needs and invite the other person into a collaborative dialogue. You’re not blaming them for not meeting your expectations; instead, you’re working together to create a new dynamic that is mutually beneficial and respectful.

The next step is to make clear agreements. Work together to create agreements that benefit everyone involved. Make sure that everyone understands and agrees to what has been discussed. This is where both or all parties come to a mutual understanding of what each person needs and how those needs can be met. Keep in mind that an agreement is a two-way street. It’s not about one person getting what they want while the other compromises; it’s about finding a solution that honors both sides.

For instance, if you expect your team members to always meet deadlines at work, instead of just hoping they will, you could take charge and make an agreement with your team. You might say, “Can we all agree that if we’re having trouble meeting a deadline, we’ll let each other know so we can help find a solution?” This kind of agreement helps create a culture of trust and responsibility where everyone feels valued and respected. It also reduces the chances of unmet expectations causing conflict or frustration.

What happens when an agreement is broken? This is where the power of renegotiation comes in. Life happens, and sometimes people don’t live up to their agreements. Rather than falling back into the victim mindset of blame or resentment, revisit the agreement and ask, “What happened? Why was this agreement broken? And how can we adjust it moving forward?” This approach helps repair any damage that might have been done and strengthens the relationship. It shows a commitment to working through challenges together rather than letting them fester.

Agreements also apply to ourselves. Make agreements with yourself that prioritize your well-being. For example, if you have committed to self-care but find yourself slipping back into old habits of overworking or neglecting your needs, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, revisit that agreement with compassion. Ask yourself, “What’s getting in the way of me honoring this agreement? And how can I support myself in keeping it?” Remember, self-care and self-compassion are vital to your empowerment.

So, how does making agreements rather than holding onto expectations lead to empowerment? It’s simple—agreements come from an ownership mindset, which puts you in the driver’s seat of your relationships. When you make an agreement, you’re taking responsibility for your needs and actively participating in creating the dynamic you want. You’re no longer passively waiting for others to meet your expectations or feeling victimized when they don’t. You’re empowered to create relationships based on mutual respect, clear communication, and shared understanding.

You have the power to be compassionate with yourself and to recognize that you have the right to set boundaries and take care of your needs. Shifting from a victim mindset of expectations to an ownership mindset of agreements can be transformational. It can deepen your connections with others, reduce conflicts, and create a greater sense of peace and fulfillment in your life.

I hope this conversation has sparked new insights and inspired you to start making agreements rather than holding onto expectations in your relationships. Remember, you have the power to create the life and relationships you desire—one agreement at a time.

Let’s continue to grow, connect, and empower ourselves together.